The Cheese Stands Alone

Two words: Bridal Shower

I can almost assure you that there is no other set of words in the english language that every man in America has a strong feeling on. Not even "super bowl" can match it for the decisive feelings it can give any man. It makes their blood run cold and their spines curve.

This is nothing against the brides out there, but sweet sassa-frass you need to stop pretending that it is for both of you. This, and this alone, is the most heated wedding topic that my bride-to-be and I have gotten into.

You see, the thing of it is that it is full of irony. I'm led to believe that we are going to have a party thrown for us where we eat food, socialize with friends and family and receive some gifts. But here's the pickle: the only dill in the room is me. No other men allowed. No family men, no friends that are men. Me and an unkindness of ravens (one tree hill reference, holler!).

This deeply disturbs me and, gulp, honestly makes the wedding feel like its less for me and more for her. Not that any other man on this planet has ever felt that like....except for every man at every wedding since Jesus turned himself into a never ending supply of crackers and wine for saucy church-goers to have it.

No, I'm forced to accept my fate. That, as much as this is 2010 and we're equal and forward thinking and whatever, that there are some things that most women still want. To feel pretty, to put on a dress once in a while and make men go hubba hubba, to wear a beautiful white dress at their wedding... and to have a gala of a social with their female family and friends to gush over it all it.

And who am I in this? Am I the poor sap who sits through it all, already accepting that this is part of what being married will be like? A little bit. But really, I'm the poor sap who hopelessly loves a girl who is more stubborn about so many things in life then anyone i've every known. And the sick part is, that's part of the attraction.

To wrap this up, let me go through the five stages of grief, as noted in the Kubler-Ross model. The italic quotes have not been altered, but i'll right my blurb under them:

1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."

This is when I believed that some sort of compromise could happen.


2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"

And here is where I realized that I just got hood-winked.


3. Bargaining — "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."

Here is where I first bargained to have my dad and future father-in-law present. And then I presented the idea of a groom shower, which almost without a beat in between was shot down.


4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"

Annnnnd here I am writing this post.


5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

The cheese stands alone



It should be said, in the end of his post here, that I truly love my bride-to-be and this last line should act as a disclaimer and protect me from any verbal, emotional or physical backlash that may come my way as a result of writing this.